First things first. Rebecca is way too modest to do this sort of thing, so I am going to do it for her. She’s been asked to be a guest blogger for Times and Seasons for the next couple weeks!!! This is a huge deal, and we are so proud of her. You know how much she rocks. Read her latest here.
——–
Lisa
Every so often I get one of those “tag” emails/blog posts. Though it’s always good to know which cities your friends have lived in, I’m always left wanting. These are the questions people want to know about their friends? Really? (For the record, I’m pretty sure that the creators of said tag games have been married for a long time. Singles know that having a bank of really unique questions is as necessary as having a year’s food supply. If there is a conversation famine on that first date, crazy questions will keep you alive until you make it back to the doorstep.)
Since I’ve always wanted to write my own tag game and we Apron Stagers are always having conversations about how we wish we actually really knew our commenters, I figured we should play. Commenters, choose one question and answer it. Or answer two or three or all if you have the time/energy. Or add another question to the mix. Or just show up on our doorsteps and hang out with us some day. We love you. Your creativity fuels ours.
Game on.
1) You are a James Bond villain. Describe your wardrobe, evil plot, lap pet, etc.
2) If Christmas cards were honest, what would yours have said this year?
3) You are head of an all-powerful Olympic committee wherein you get to choose an underappreciated and possibly unknown sport to make it into the games. Name the sport and, if necessary, describe its rules, etc.
4) Willy! Death of a Salesman, the Musical. Suggest a song title for one of the show’s hit numbers and, if you feel so inclined, provide lyrics & music.
5) For 24 hours, your body morphs into whatever gender you currently aren’t. What do you do for the day as a member of the opposite sex?
6) Do you believe in ghosts/ climate change/ your horoscope/ love at first sight?
7) If you could change one movie/book ending which ending would you change and how would you change it?
8 ) You are in charge of the marketing campaign for the Prada’s new change purse for men, the Cha-Ching. Describe your plan of attack.
9) Which would you rather own: a chia pet or a snuggie?
10) Describe the prank you’d pull on Dwight this week if you were Jim from The Office.
11) If your love life were captured by one pop song, which song would it be and why?
12) Gym vs. dieting. Discuss.
13) Which currently unrecognized significant day needs to be made into a national holiday?
14) Write the introduction to the following essay: Emoticons as Necessary Part of Academic Discourse.
15) If your significant other/ ex-significant other were a cereal, which cereal would he/she be and why?





52 comments
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July 7, 2009 at 8:42 am
Jessica
#7. I would easily change the ending to, In Love and War, that WWI movie with Sandra Bullock. I was so angry when I sat through the whole thing, and then the boy didn’t forgive her at the end! It was a true story..but I wish they had changed it to a happy ending
July 7, 2009 at 9:05 am
Liz
#9 – My first thought was go with the Snuggie. At least its useful right? Then I thought about how much ridicule I would have to endure as a Snuggie owner. Plus, everyone would be asking about the complimentary book light. I’ll take one turtle-shaped chia pet please!
July 7, 2009 at 9:10 am
Kahalia
The past two times I was in Manhattan I met Charlie Gibson, on the street and spotted Kramer in Barnes and Noble. I was still disappointed because I didn’t see anyone from the AP hanging out in the city, randomly on the street or perusing the lastest hits in B&N. Them my hubs said you all didn’t even live here. WHat a dissapointment!
July 7, 2009 at 9:20 am
Brohammas
#1 well tailored suit, Bonobos pants, no pet, my evil would be to get a job.
#3 RUGBY. they have those stinkin’ ribbon dancers and not this? I think this Olympic ommission is the result of a Bond villain’s plot.
#5 never ask a man this question…. or #4 for that matter.
#8 cover it with NASCAR logos, like the cars, and target hipsters.
wait… for #7 can I change the ending of Pride and Prejudice by making it happen within the 1st 5 minutes of the movie?
I’m risking getting banned for that last one arent I?
July 7, 2009 at 9:39 am
smylies
Hey Dwight, what’s that on your shirt?
Lisa, you are briliant. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
July 7, 2009 at 9:57 am
Kristen
5) If I were a man for a day, I’d definitely go for a bike ride. How do they do that??
9)Snuggie hands down. Mostly because there’s been no plant that I’ve ever kept alive longer than a year and I have no issue with wearing a reverse robe around the house. I would have to go with the Clapper if you threw that one in there, though.
15) This is a perfect question to answer about my husband, mostly because of his addiction to cold cereal. I’d say he’d be a mix: Honey Nut Cheerios (a classic staple that’s part nut, part sweet and part good, old dependable oats), plus Cookie Crisp (he’s as fun as eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast) and a few hot tomales sprinkled on top!
July 7, 2009 at 10:10 am
Mehrsa
I completely disagree with the premise of #9. I think we have a comparative flaw here. The premise is that both of these things are useless infomercial products, not unlike “doggy steps,” but you have misunderstood the snuggie, which doesn’t at all fit in this category because it’s pure genius and a necessity. If it were not for people like you and their judgments, I would certainly own one already.
#5) If I were a man, I would do pull-ups all day and stare at girls.
July 7, 2009 at 10:42 am
Katie
#2 Mine would have said:
“Dear In-Laws:
I do not understand why you and your family celebrate Christmas. You have openly admitted that you are atheist and do not believe in Christ. Every year you ridicule me for sending you a Christmas card that has a picture of Jesus Christ on the front and my testimony of Him on the inside.
Christian’s believe in Christmas. It really bothers me that all year you persecute me, but when December 25th rolls around you send me a Christmas card (not a holiday card) and wish me a Merry Christmas. And you tell me that you bake Christmas cookies. Just because you like the evergreen tree with all of the lights, the concept of Santa, and family gathering together once a year does not give you the right to say you celebrate Christmas.
I don’t mind you sharing the holiday and saying happy holidays, making holiday cookies, putting up your holiday tree with the light and sending me your holiday card. But please do not confuse your idea of Christmas with it’s true meaning. Christmas is a time to remember the birth and life of our Savior. The one man who will make it possible for you to be cleansed of all of your sins. Please give the day the respect it deserves.
To you and yours Happy Holidays,
Katie”
July 7, 2009 at 11:44 am
lisapiorczynski
Jessica,
Sandra Bullock should’ve gotten more attention for that role. I thought she was wonderful– it was a definite departure from her usual bit and quite moving. Yeah, the ending. Stubborn people are stupid when it comes to love.
Liz,
I’m with you on the chia pet. I just can’t see myself actually putting on the snuggie. (Mehrsa, I SO know what to get you for Chirstmas!!!) Also, the chia pet can be awesome in a so-nerdy-it’s-cool way. Like thick rimmed glasses.
Kahlia,
I am at home in Toronto for the summer, but Rebecca is and has been in NYC all this time. If you’d like to know which haunts you can find her at, email me and I’ll give you the scoop.
Brohammas,
Good call on Rugby. And we’re going to pretend that you didn’t answer #1.
Smylies,
Loved the opening T&S post. I salute your genius.
Kristen,
re #15. I think you’ve just written your husband’s next birthday card. Wrap up some cereal to go with and you are SET.
Katie,
Sorry about the in-laws. Send me a Christmas card next year instead of them.
July 7, 2009 at 12:00 pm
beckarecka
#12 Uh, BOTH. Sillies. The real question is, do I commit to do either and how often do I follow through. None of your business, and I’m getting there in my own sweet time. (which means better and worse than I planned)
#14 I think you just want to mock us. Or use us as bait to catch your next class with.
#15 Frosted Mini-Wheats. He is sweet enough not to be toxic (I’ve checked and compared.) And he is hard working, common sense enough to get things done. (best bang for your buck if you know what I mean) The kids eat them and like them, and I eat them and like them. Win-win-win.
July 7, 2009 at 12:11 pm
smylies
#15. He would be six boxes of raisin nut bran.
July 7, 2009 at 12:22 pm
lisapiorczynski
beckarecka,
No, I really, really want the intro! No mocking! This one is my favorite question, and if no one answers by the end of the day, next week’s post just might be a full essay on the subject!
P.S. That question was inspired by Steven Colbert. Read the article: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/opinion/14dowd.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=steven%20colbert%20emoticon&st=cse
smylies,
Writing that question made me so crave the cereal. I don’t think they make it in Canada.
July 7, 2009 at 1:26 pm
smylies
Dear friends and family-
It’s hard to believe another year has passed and we are STILL living in Harlem. Admittedly, things are better ever since the cops installed a police cam on the corner. We’re happy to say we also think things are better since the skinny guys two buildings down was arrested. I don’t think we’ve had to walk through a drug deal for a solid month!
Adelaide is as cute as can be. She prefers movies to books. And should be saying a lot of words. She can’t. Though she did make us proud when two of her first four words were “pooh” and “stinky.”
What a joy.
July 7, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Karen
#3 – Ultimate frisbee. Definitely.
#6 – I totally believe in my horoscope. What self-respecting Scorpio wouldn’t?
#9 – Snuggie – but only if I get to wear it naked – like a cozy hospital gown.
July 7, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Melissa
“The Count of Monte Cristo” is one of the best books ever written–right up until that lame, throw-away ending. It makes me want to scream.
July 7, 2009 at 2:08 pm
smylies
Of the emerging discussions in academia, perhaps none has gripped the black robes more that of slow but steady rise of emoticons in academic discourse. The divide, all too reminiscent of the 2005 split between Team Angelina and Team Anniston, has academics across the country skipping wine tastings and wondering, for the first time in nearly 150 years, if today’s students might actually be better than yesterday’s. Why a frenzy to settle the question? Dr. Don A. Qwerty, a communications professor specializing in social networking, thinks emoticans may be one of the biggest hopes for revitalizing academia, a field that, ever since all of the good and important questions were answered has struggled to maintain momentum. “Finally,” he said, referring to the snigger point (\__/), “something to breathe a little life into these papers we’re working on. I haven’t giggled this much since grade school. We’re really starting to count on these little guys.”
July 7, 2009 at 2:21 pm
AnnaBeth
#2
We still live with my mother. How good do you think our year was? Merry Christmas.
#3
Skateboarding. Partially because I have a soft spot for them since my last job was working at one of their mags; partially because it would be interesting to see skaters in an enviroment where they must follow rules; and partially because there would be superb bloopers and bruises as a result.
#5
Miss my uterus.
#7
Clearly, I was the only person on the planet who didn’t know about the ending to The Perfect Storm before I watched it. It made me angry. I’m a happy ending kinda girl.
#9
I <3 Chia pets, which leads me to…
#14
Emoticons as Necessary Part of Academic Discourse:
In 1911, newpaper editor Arthur Brisbane instructed, "Use a picture. It's worth a thousand words." Nearly one hundred years and an information age later his advice may evolve into: Use emoticons. They're worth a thousand words.
(Now, aren't you sorry you requested this one? Someone please give her a better intro!)
July 7, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Alisha
Melissa, you are right on target with “The Count of Monte Cristo.” That ending was so, so awful.
July 7, 2009 at 2:34 pm
smylies
“But,” she said stubbornly, like a child who still feels that to state a desire is to gain that desire, “but I love you!”
“Scarlett, do you really mean that?”
“I’ve always loved you. I was just too confused to know it.”
“My dear, let’s start over. Clean slate. Oh look! Here comes Bonnie now! All better!”
July 7, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Mehrsa
If you could just take the time and answer all of these questions, Rebecca, that would so make my day. Hilarious.
July 7, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Bridget
This is a long one… hold on tight.
1) I would imprison bad parents and mean people and SEE #9.
2) Here is the annual picture of Brad and I – no we don’t have any children yet.
3) Blog Stalking, I’ve always wanted to win a gold medal. Think of an elaborate game of Scripture Chase/Guess Who/20 questions.
4) I’m shocked that they haven’t already made this a musical. I’d rather cast Willy: Can Steve Guttenberg sing?
5) So as a male for a day my first order of business would be to pee standing up, then I would throw random socks and pants around the house. And since I would naturally know all sports statistic I would call Steven and give concrete evidence as to why the Yankees are awful. Then I would lift 150 pounds, leave the toilet paper roll empty, smile at a lonely looking girl, and after a two min shower look “put together” in baggy clothes. I would finish out the day eating an entire steak and not care about the bloating.
6) Ghosts: unfortunately yes; Climate Change: yes and don’t get my chemical engineering husband started; Horoscope: I wrote these for my middle school newspaper… so yes absolutely; Love at 1st sight: Sure, although if anything I despised my husband at first sight.
7) Little Women: I would change it just once to have Teddy end up with Jo… Amy doesn’t deserve him. I have strong feelings about this.
9) Both, I’m a villain and I can do whatever I want.
10) Ooooo. This is a good one. I think some sort of fake secret admirer scenario could be amazing. (For the record my all time favorite prank was when Jim convinced Dwight it was Friday.)
11) This is by far the hardest question, which means it’s a great one. It would have to be a mash up of: I Wanna Hold Your Hand/ Time After Time/ I Want You To Want Me/ Oops I Did It Again… I was tragically attracting the ones I didn’t like and perpetually chasing after the ones I couldn’t have.
12) While preferences vary, a combo (with more emphasis on the diet change) is the only way to go. Personally, I love going to the gym but I hate dieting.
13) Clearly my birthday, I should never have to request time off from work on MY DAY.
14) Academia prides itself on the superior and clear use of the languages. Who are they to then condemn a well placed smiley face employed to enhance tone and connotation? (Okay that was weak sauce; this was the hardest question to answer succinctly…)
15) Grape Nuts. Tastes neither like grapes nor nuts… exactly.
July 7, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Bridget
PS – I spent about 10 minutes on that, there are probably grammar and spelling errors galore. DON’T JUDGE.
July 7, 2009 at 3:14 pm
lisapiorczynski
Karen,
You are on to something!!! The snuggie IS the new hospital gown. Especially here in Canada. I going to pitch this idea to our Provincial gov’t next week.
Bridget,
YOU ARE AWESOME. All 15 questions? You get the Tuesday prize. (Which includes me gushing about you for a solid 2 lines.) Answer to #8= brilliant. Although, I tried write a post arguing that men need to start carrying purses. My dad and brother mocked the rough draft, so I scrapped it for this post instead. Also, amen to the Little Women bit. Laurie and Amy are a terrible combo.
Melissa/Alisha,
Um… I’ve never read it. Should I just not bother? Or just skip the last 20 pages?
smylies,
“she said stubbornly, like a child who still feels that to state a desire is to gain that desire.” Amen to what Mehrsa said. Please, please, please write a romance novel. You rock. Also, your emoticon essay made my week.
July 7, 2009 at 3:17 pm
smylies
If it’s really an all-powerful Olympic committee, then we’re going to make adjustments (broomsticks, everyone) and see that Quidditch gets the prime time slot on NBC.
Rules: http://www.geocities.com/fleur_delacour2003/quidditchrules/rules.html
Also, Bridget. Too late. Lisa already sent me an email making fun of your grammatical errors.
July 7, 2009 at 3:24 pm
lisapiorczynski
Bridget,
Don’t listen to Mrs. Smylie. Even though her surname would suggest otherwise, she didn’t even know what an emoticon was until about a month ago.
July 7, 2009 at 3:27 pm
lisapiorczynski
P.S. Rebecca, still waiting for the Willy! lyrics…
July 7, 2009 at 3:36 pm
smylies
Tom Petty’s “Even the Losers get lucky sometimes.”
July 7, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Bridget
I knew it! You guys email each other to comment on our comments. As if I wasn’t already self conscious enough leaving written statements on a writing blog…
July 7, 2009 at 4:05 pm
smylies
Biff put that down! You know that isn’t ours.
Sad Willy! Our hero. Who fails to reach the stars.
Linda have a backbone, you share his failing ways
Sad Willy! Our hero. Who wastes and wastes his days.
Ben you lucky slugger, throw the man a bone
Sad Willy! Our hero. Who’ll die for naught alone.
Willy, Our hero. Why are you so lame?
Willy, our hero. We need you just the same.
Willy Willy Willy Willlllleeeeey!
[repeat chorus]
July 7, 2009 at 4:16 pm
lisapiorczynski
Uh oh, Rebecca, time to set the record straight. Bridget, we absolutely never email each other about commenters. We love you guys. (Unless someone said something really crazy, which you did not.) And no need to feel intimidated: I still don’t feel like I’m actually a writer. I go into panic mode on Monday night worrying that this week you all will be able to see that I’m the fraud in the group. Keep the comments coming, my friend!
July 7, 2009 at 4:39 pm
margy
Rebecca – I’m dying right now. And, like Mehrsa, would love to read all of your responses.
July 7, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Bonnie
7) I know I’m completely missing the point of this movie by saying this, but in “My Best Friend’s Wedding” I HATED that she didn’t end up marrying her best friend. Still can’t watch it – gives me the willies.
9) Snuggie wins hands down unless the chia pet is an Obama head http://www.drugstore.com/search/search_results.asp?Ntk=All&srchtree=5&Ntt=obama+chia+pet&aid=336064&aparam=obama%20chia%20pet&scinit1=obama%20chia%20pet
10) My husband does this thing where he’ll be talking to you and all of a sudden look closely at an area of your face, as though there’s something wrong with it – be it remains of your lunch or a blackhead sporting 3 extra-long hairs. The whole encounter is extremely disconcerting and I think Dwight would be particularly entertaining to make squirm.
July 7, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Bridget
No worries! I don’t actually believe that your day revolves around commenting on my comments. And even if I was the Crazy One I would still keep them coming
July 7, 2009 at 4:44 pm
beckarecka
brava my friend brava
i truly lolof when i read your link steven colbert saying
while skin and race are often synonymous skin cleansing is good race cleansing is bad and let me regurgitate
on emoticons and academic discourse i must admit i do not use them regularly
however one should be free to discuss them and it would be antiamerican not to allow the freedom of speech through emoticons
there bridget nothing could be worse than this
July 7, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Traci
Happy Holidays everyone!
Oh so, so much going on in the McKay household this year! Where to begin!
Our dear little Vivian finally stopped walking in circles when we realized she’s blind in one eye, that little minx. She does keep us laughing with her little pirate impressions and sometimes we entertain ourselves by throwing things at the left side of her head and then making her guess which family member was responsible. It’s a special family time.
Abraham has gotten so big this year. He is really enjoying karate, we don’t have him enrolled in any classes right now but instead prefer to encourage his natural talent for hitting people. Thanks to big sis he’s also developing one heck of a pitching arm – head’s up Viv! hahaha
Our sweet little baby Maggie is such a joy. People think it’s weird that she still has a bottle and a binky and diapers since she’s three and a half but I say “hey, what’s the rush? you don’t get this special time back” then I swaddle her in a blanket, put her back in her sling and get back to work on our unschooling curriculm.
David and I are busy busy busy! It’s been work work work on our little “fixer upper”. In the end I know it will be a house that love built and I am just super excited to see how love fixes broken crappers. We have now refinished the floors, installed a bookshelf and painted the upstairs with only five nervous breakdowns! Can’t wait for what’s ahead in this little endeavor of ours! Yay!
Anywho, thanks for catching up, hope everything is going well for you and yours, much love and peace in this holiday season
Traci
* OK, so, not exactly the truth, but if I exaggerate in the opposite direction of usual cards, this is probably what you would get.
July 7, 2009 at 7:40 pm
simplysarah
#5 – As a man for a day:
I’d do some pull-ups and push-ups and marvel at my arm strength.
I’d wear a bathingsuit ALL DAY and not feel self-conscious.
I’d go on a man-date with my crush and have fun with no thought about what he’s thinking.
I’d go camping BY MYSELF!
July 7, 2009 at 7:58 pm
AnnaBeth
2) We still live with my mother. How good do you think our year was? Merry Christmas O:-)
3) Skateboarding. 3 reasons: I have a soft spot for the sport since I used to work for one of the mags, seeing skaters conform would be priceless, bruises and bloopers would be fantastically entertaining.
5) Miss my uterus
6) ghosts – evil ones
climate change – it’s hotter today than it was yesterday
your horoscope – only when it’s right
love at first sight – in theory. my first thought about my husband, “Who does this kid think he is?”
7) I think I was the only person on the planet who didn’t know the premise of The Perfect Storm. It just made me angry! I’m a happy ending kinda girl.
9) I
13) D-day. I want fireworks on my birthday.
15) Honey Nut Cheerios. Sweet & good for me.
July 7, 2009 at 7:59 pm
AnnaBeth
#9 was supposed to say I {heart} Chia Pets. But apparently, my emoticon was too complex…?
July 7, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Mehrsa
Traci, that letter may have been the funniest comment I have ever read. Anywhere. I am just hoping that your little Vivian can see out of both eyes. If not, that was not funny.
July 7, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Traci
Haha she can, we did just find out she needs glasses because one eye is weaker than the other, and it only took nine years for me to catch it, that’s right, Mother of the Year right here folks
July 7, 2009 at 10:19 pm
smylies
As a man, I’d eat red meat and gatorade all day long.
July 7, 2009 at 10:58 pm
lisapiorczynski
Bonnie,
The bridge!!! Why didn’t she tell him before the moment passed her by? WHY????
Beckarecka,
Wow. I might need to copy and paste this response into an email to Sarah entitled: What the Frak? (P.S. Glad you liked the article. I giggle every time I read it.)
Bridget,
Glad you know that we love you. Because we do. And you’re not the crazy one. Beckarecka is. Clearly.
AnnaBeth,
Lol at #2. Priceless.
Mehrsa,
I should just get you to be comment moderator from here on out. You say exactly what’s on my mind.
Traci,
I hereby nominate you for the Apron Stage’s Mother of the Year award. If you win, you get to write us another Friday guest post.
smylies,
Red meat and gatorade? That’s it? I’d do the following:
1) Write my name in pee in the snow.
2) Travel somewhere alone.
3) Go to a job interview and see how much money they’d offer me.
4) Have sex.
5) Get someone–preferably not the person who helped me accomplish goal #4–to kick me in the you-know-what. (They say it hurts tons, and I believe them. I just want to know where said hurt is on the pain scale.)
6) Say something that’d make a woman’s day/life.
7) Drive a really, really fast car in reverse like that scene in The Borne Identity.
You get the picture.
July 7, 2009 at 11:37 pm
kristen
Okay, I’m glad you said that you’d like to know what sex was like for a man–I was too much of a “lady” to say it, but I was thinking it!
Another-go running, topless-no bra, no jiggling. I would be way more manly than Matthew McConnehey (sp?)
July 7, 2009 at 11:56 pm
3VIL8R07H3R
Ok, first of all #6 because it’s the easiest one for me to comment on first, Do I believe in ghosts? The speed at which I continue to run up my basement stairs when the lights are off would suggest an affirmative. Climate Change? Global Warming, was made up by hippies. F that environmental stuff I like concrete and pollution. Horoscopes? Invented by people who were probably high and staring too much at the night sky falls under my “hippie” category. Love at first sight? Does love even Exist?
#3 I would make the sport “ear wax collecting and harvesting” collect as much earwax as humanly possible bring yourself and your overflowing ears, you are armed with 100 q-tips and you have to get as much out as possible. Whoever has the most earwax wins the gold. (PS I have a secret. I like cleaning out people’s ears and seeing how much wax is in them)
Anywhoo, on to number….. 2 Well seeing as how I was in a very “life altering” stage in my life this last Christmas, I would have written Worst Christmas Ever.
#10 Hmmm this is a tough one but I’m gonna have to go with “I’m in love with a stripper” By T-Pain.
July 8, 2009 at 12:01 am
jysika
LOL Lisa. “5) Get someone–preferably not the person who helped me accomplish goal #4–to kick me in the you-know-what. (They say it hurts tons, and I believe them. I just want to know where said hurt is on the pain scale.)”
I want to know to. Everyone says that women can handle tougher levels of pain than men ( childbirth and all that jazz) and I want to know how much it hurts so I won’t feel bad for saying “MAN UP” (but the scene in ‘She’s The Man’ cracks me up everysingle time)
what I want to know is why you couldn’t drive a car backwards really fast as a woman? We have lower insurance rates then men so if you total the car- oh well!
I would love to be as skilled as Bourne. In fact, I asked my parents yesterday why they didn’t enroll me in ‘assassin classes’ when I was younger (since I can’t play any musical instruments, I lack rhythm, I can’t sing, I can’t draw, I lack coordination of my limbs so I can’t play sports without hurting myself or others) and they said that being an assassin doesn’t work too well with being LDS. Now I need to find a new career path. dang it. (I mean hello? he fights off a guy with a knife using a rolled up magazine. and then in the last movie he uses a freaking towel. come on. who wouldn’t want to be able to do that?!?!)
July 8, 2009 at 12:59 am
Amy
2) Dear Friends and Family,
You may have noticed that you never received a thank you note for the wedding gift you gave to Ryan and I three years ago. This is because I was a total spaz at the time and barely survived, not because my mother is incompetent. I am especially sorry if we don’t really have a relationship and you only gave me a gift because you are in my parents’ ward and they gave a wedding gift to your kid. Please accept this holiday greeting instead.
What a year!
I got straight A’s, which means absolutely nothing, because graduate school is easy. Not only is it easy, but it’s a great excuse not to have kids, which I secretly fear more than anything. Expect notice that I am applying to PhD programs in the near future. And getting my tubes tied.
Ryan got a job working for a company that is currently under investigation by the FTC. Last week he quit that job, and is planning to begin selling security systems next week. His biggest concern with this fate is not being able to poop at will during the day.
Obama coerced us into buying a house. The ensuing impact on our finances has been the equivalent of a serious gambling habit. We are hoping to go back to renting as soon as possible.
I have gained and lost fifteen pounds three times this year. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
With each passing year I become significantly less fun and crankier. That is to say, if we haven’t seen each other in awhile, enjoy the memories–they’re better than the real thing these days.
Regards,
Amy
July 8, 2009 at 1:04 am
Amy
And if I were a man for a day, I would hope my spouse could be female so we could finally make sense of everything. Everything.
July 8, 2009 at 1:11 am
Seeing other people « {Beta…}
[...] for Sarah. We’ll brainstorm more fake names for Tom and Louise. We’ll answer more of Lisa’s ridiculous questions. We’ll photoshop that picture of Sarah wearing the red [...]
July 8, 2009 at 9:45 am
nakiru
Geez. I do not have enough time for this. I will come back later….
July 8, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Howard
#1 – Baron Rhinoski – My clothes are crafted by the most sought after and elite tailors of the Congo, weaving supple yet protective business suits out of the hides of the rare black rhinoceros.
I have devised a plot to implant a small mind control chip into the sinus cavity at the time of every rhinoplasty procedure, as I control all of the most powerful plastic surgeons on the planet. We all know that behind every powerful man is a powerful woman, so by controlling all the powerful women…
My lap pet is a baby albino rhino named Mr. Wigglesworth. I inject him daily with a serum of stem cells made from the adrenal glands of toy poodles and dwarf Eskimos that stunts his growth.
I find additional companionship from my beautiful assistant, Miss Beaky Bottoms, who has the rump of a Rubens and the nose of Matheau (Walter)
For muscle, I have a Samoan tough named ‘Nose Job’ who places ball bearings from a Mack truck transmission in his nose and then shoots them with lethal speed and accuracy at any and all who might threaten my peace and safety. He wear a pink sarong, a top hat an a necklace embellished with the beaks of toucans and puffins.
You can learn more about me and my plot in the upcoming Bond film titled:
“Nose Royale” or “Nose Jobs Are Forever” or “Octonosey”
July 9, 2009 at 8:21 am
lisapiorczynski
3VIL8R07H3R,
Re: #10. You need to get out of your current relationship. Pronto.
jysika,
I believe that men and women feel pain differently b/c our bodies are built so differently. I don’t think it’s a matter of higher pain threshold. I think it’s just a different scale. That’s my current theory anyway. I could be totally wrong and I’d like to check my theories.
Driving backwards. It’s been my experience that men aren’t better drivers than women, but they are when it comes to driving backwards. I have very few female friends who can navigate long backward distances in a car as well as a man can. I LOVE that backwards car chase and totally have fantasies of recreating it on the streets of Paris. You can come, too. We’ll go to assassin classes afterward.
Amy,
Your comment is a guest post in itself! Bravo. LOVE your intro. LOVE “put that in your pipe and smoke it.” LOVE your “what I’d do as a guy.” Totally brilliant.
Howard,
Now that’s what I was looking for with the 007 question. YES. Now I’m obsessed with finding a necklace similar to the one you’ve given your muscle. I think it’d make a great statement piece for fall…
July 10, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Cissy
I’m answering #2 because the others take more thought, and I really should go to bed.
So, though my Christmas card is honest in what it says, it never includes this consistent truth from my life: My house is never completely clean/picked up/organized because I read too much. Way too much.