Rebecca
Despite the fact that this morning, after another sleepless night, I put a box on my head to entertain the baby–and wanted to leave it there–we want another one.
It’s probably just as tacky to admit that we’re “trying” as it is to ask someone. (Trying: my favorite euphemism for ‘how often and what kind of protection?’ Clearly, these things make me uncomfortable. Why does everyone seem to think it’s okay to talk like this?)
But tacky or not, it’s what’s on my mind. Sophocles says that no one likes the bringer of the bad news. Seriously.
Especially when you’re “trying.” Because then, instead of a gentle answer, instead of a friend showing up with flowers to give you the bad news, instead of a nice card coming in the mail to say the universe is very sorry but not this month and hang in there, you find out you’re fruitless when you get a headache. And then your lower back hurts. Cue volatile emotions, cramps, fatigue. Run to the corner store to buy the tampons you delusionally convinced yourself you wouldn’t need for at least another year.
It’s hardly a gentle, “I have some bad news.” It’s more like a snide chuckle and an “in your face.”
More like your arch nemesis looking down at you and sneering: Nice Try.
Of course, when my husband gets the bad news, it all goes down a bit differently. “Well,” he half smiles. “We’ll just have to try harder.”
23 comments
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January 7, 2009 at 2:10 am
lisapiorczynski
Well said, Bex. I HATE the “trying” expression. It makes it seem like sex isn’t a great experience unless it ends with a pregnancy. And it makes people tilt their head in pity to one side. “Oh they’ve been trying, but no luck.” (Sigh. More head tilting.) We need a new expression. We really, really do…
January 7, 2009 at 10:00 am
Kaedi
Sigh. Head tilt. Quick, search for comforting words…. I’m with Lisa, we really do need a new expression. Since I can’t come up with one, I’ll share a secret one of my neighbors told me about. Pregnancy tests bought online. She gave me a stack that she got for super cheap (less than 99 cents or something per test, which beats the 2 for $13.99 at Duane Reade). I am also told you can get them at some dollar stores, too. I always felt better about compulsively taking tests when I knew it wasn’t paying through the nose for it.
Again, sigh. Head tilt.
January 7, 2009 at 10:05 am
sharry
rebecca. could you please delete my first comment attempt. it sounds as if i’m saying that the making of bad drivers and chatty movie people shouldn’t trying either, when really i was only referring to the makin’ of babies.
and could you do it before too many of your friends find out i’m a complete idiot for leaving 3 messages when clearly none would have been the better choice….
thanks.
January 7, 2009 at 10:08 am
smylies
I have to point out it was my good friend Samantha who pointed out the whole bearer of bad news thing while trying. She is as wise as Sophocles. (Just in different ways). Also, Sharry, it was harder for me than you know to delete that. I liked the comment. But figure that since it’s 6am where you are, I would let you win this one.
January 7, 2009 at 10:18 am
sharry
ok, so here’s how i meant to say…
bad drivers are trying. people who talk through movies are trying. even children can be trying sometimes, but making them should never be…
here’s to wantin’ and needin’ and the pure joy of makin’ babies.
January 7, 2009 at 10:37 am
Jenna
I’ve been hoping for the last few weeks that I am “accidentally” pregnant (I’m new to the birth control thing and quite forgetful) and having the monthly visitor come was like watching my imaginary baby slide right out of me and be gone forever. I’m going to try not to get my hopes up from now on, but I don’t think that’s possible. It should be easier when we are really trying, because for now, I’m hedging all my bets on the accidents.
January 7, 2009 at 10:52 am
Jill
People love asking us how much longer we are going to wait to have kids…. well, if it were up to me we wouldn’t be ‘waiting’ we would be pregnant. They just don’t know that, they assume we’re still preventing. But some things don’t work out just perfectly right? So instead of saying ‘Well actually we’re trying…” (which I tried a few times, and felt strange saying) I say “We’re hoping sooner than later.” It seems to stop questions and I just get a nod in return.
January 7, 2009 at 10:58 am
Annette
Seeing how often people ask these questions never ceases to amaze me. “Are you done having kids?” is the one I get now, since my baby is in kindergarten. Like it’s any of their business.
My SIL recently asked if I’d ever had a miscarriage and if so, when? I side-stepped that one–it’s way too personal and emotional to talk about with someone who’s just nosy. WHAT was she thinking?
January 7, 2009 at 11:05 am
Bridget Carn
Exactly! We are currently “trying” and every month it’s like a slap in the face or more accurately my favorite Friends quote “What a strange way to kick me when I’m down.”
January 7, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Sarie
Oh Rebecca. I really love you.
January 7, 2009 at 3:29 pm
samantha
When I was trying to get pregnant last time, I don’t know how it came up, but I told my dad that “we were working on it.” And of course, he replies, “Ah! That sounds like fun!” And then something along the lines like, “good for Kyle.” Not surprising knowing my dad, but somewhat disturbing nevertheless.
I wish I could send you flowers ever month, on the off chance that it doesn’t work out that month. And then when it did, you’d be period free and still receive flowers! I love you. Happy to have made it on the apron stage.
January 7, 2009 at 3:50 pm
samantha
And I’m pretty sure anytime I say something wise, one of my sisters said it first.
January 7, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Mehrsa
And unbelievably the first “signs” of pregnancy are also the same “signs” of menstruation. Insult to injury. I got my hopes up every time I got tired and crampy and sore in certain places. I have to say though (and this is after having tried for some time and conceived) that there is something nice about really wanting a baby that put things in perspective for me. I just felt that all those months of waiting and wanting just increased my capacity for love and patience just a little more and really came in handy when I finally conceived a lovely baby with colic.
January 7, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Laura
We started “trying” for child #2 when our son Jacob was 2 years old. Our second child, Sam, was born when Jacob was over 4 years old. Every month (all 14 of them), the 2 week wait was miserable, and every month I was convinced it hadn’t worked and my husband was convinced it had. It also seemed that everyone around me was pregnant, and I wasn’t.
If I heard the words”just relax and it will happen” one more time, I might have thrown my shoes. Fortunately I live in TX and only wear flip flops, but still. I felt that the negative pregnancy test mocked me every month, and no one could quite understand how hard it was to not be pregnant.
Mehrsa, I love your comment. That patience and love has come in handy when Sam gets sick in the middle of the night, or when he thinks that talking loudly is an acceptable form of communication at 3 am.
Thanks, Rebecca, for this post.
January 7, 2009 at 7:40 pm
heathermommy
“trying” takes al the fun out of “it” . If you catch my drift. We have been “trying” for 7 months and before that we had 3 miscarriages. Not fun. Part of me wants to just get pregnant so I can start enjoying “it” again.
I really do feel for you. The negative preganacy test is such a sad thing. I usually end up depressed for a few days and drown my sorrows in a bag of peanut m&ms.
Hopefully it doesn’t take too long for you guys. But as you know 1 month seems like an eternity when you are “trying”
January 8, 2009 at 1:35 am
Louise Plummer
“Trying” is only the first stage, as I recall. The second stage is the infertitlity workup: taking your temperature to see when you ovulate, having your fallopian tubes blown out while you’re hanging from a meat hook with your fanny in the air. There’s the operation to clear your womb of endometriosis. Then there’s clomophene and other miracle drugs: “Maybe you’ll have twins!” Every month is a trip to the insane asylum. There are, I realize, advantages to being a woman of a certain age. My last period was during the first Bush administration.
January 8, 2009 at 2:42 am
Mary Ann McConkie
Thank heavens for the chance to “try” again. Good things around the corner……my dear. Love, Mom
January 8, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Sarah
Laura, love you and your flip-flops. You trying to kick them meanly in someone’s face is a good image.
Rebecca, love you and your womb. Can I say that?
January 8, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Missy
Seriously. Could anything be worse than hoping for a pregnancy only to be greeted by “the period”?
So been there Rebecca. Mehrsa is right though, it made my Avery (after a miscarriage and a year of said ‘trying’) worth it despite the never-ending crying for a good three months of colic.
January 8, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Kristie
and why does, in a man’s head, “trying” mean 24/7.
I hope peeing on a stick brings you good news soon.
January 9, 2009 at 12:00 am
Elizabeth
Imagine being at the extended family Christmas party when my offendingly blunt cousin shouts across the room, “Liz, are you guys trying?” The whole family turned to see the mortified look on my face.
Our monthly “trying” days were so long ago, but I remember them vividly. No fun. Now we scrounge up $15,000, fast, pray, hope the stars align, the heavens smile upon us, put my body through the ringer, and just maybe we’ll get a child. It’s the hardest thing we’ve been through, and yet we wouldn’t give it up for anything.
It’s no fun, but hang in there.
January 9, 2009 at 8:20 am
rubyeliot
this post had me laughing out loud. thanks for your joyous wit! my sister recently got pregnant after a long long expensive time of trying. it was sort of a miracle. i’ve never prayed so hard for a group of cells to attach to a uterine wall before ever. ever.
thank you. for this post.
January 20, 2009 at 2:00 am
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